FLOWERY BRANCH, Ga. — The Atlanta Falcons are exactly who we thought they were: unserious, unprepared and unwatchable. Their Week 3 meltdown against the Carolina Panthers was not just a loss, it was a national embarrassment. The Panthers, another franchise better known for chaos than competence, outclassed Atlanta in every way except the stat sheet, somehow. And yet, the Falcons found a way to lose a game 30-0, while claiming moral victories in the total yardage.
Because that’s what really matters! This is approaching Auburn Family levels of cope and delusion.
This isn’t just one bad Sunday. This is years of rot showing itself once again. The blame, of course, starts at the top, with owner Arthur Blank.
Sure, you have cheap hot dogs and popcorn, but this circus act isn’t even worth the price of admission.
The Atlanta Falcons are a slap in the face to every ATLien, as OutKast so famously once said.
Archie Eversole may have coined the phrase “We Ready”, but the Falcons are anything other than that.
Ready for what? Another 7-9 season and a wasted draft pick? Oh wait, they don’t even have one this year.
Anyways, let’s break down the flaming dumpster fire in Flowery Branch, so you don’t have to.
Falcons Failures From the Top Down
Owner Arthur Blank is far more interested in his yacht portfolio than the team playing in the $2 billion spaceship he built downtown. He can swap out teak decks in Miami, but he can’t figure out how to hire a coach or general manager who won’t trip over themselves when Sunday rolls around. His supposed “loyalty” has curdled into negligence and wasted yet another season in the Dirty South.
General manager Terry Fontenot doesn’t escape either. Sure, he had a decent draft for once, picking up high impact defensive studs across the board. Great. A blind squirrel finds a nut, too. But this is the same front office that loves drafting anonymous FCS linemen no one outside of Fargo has ever heard of, all while ignoring proven SEC talent that’s been built in its backyard. It’s incompetence dressed up in “long-term vision,” while masking issues with a half-empty can of FlexSeal on Sundays.
Falcons Coaching: Smiling Through the Pain?!
Raheem Morris had his team looking lost from kickoff to clock zero at Bank of America Stadium on Sunday. Carolina ran circles around them, both physically and mentally, with Bryce Young putting a fork into the Falcons fanbase.
Yet when the final whistle blew, Morris was smiling, dapping up Panthers players like this was a mid-summer scrimmage up at the Branch.
Falcons fans don’t want to see their coach enjoying himself after a humiliation, let alone an 0-2 start to divisional play. They want accountability, fire, a sense that the guy in charge feels the same pain they do. Instead, they get Mr. Patrick Starr, smiling in the face of failure.
Sure, you’re 0-2 in the division and have lost the fanbase once more? But who cares, right? All is right for Atlanta and Raheem!
Uncle Kracker wrote a song about making me smile and it appears Raheem Morris took it to heart.
What a joke.
Falcons Fans: Full of Cope and Delusion
Of course, the fan base doesn’t get off the hook either. Atlanta fans talked all week about owning Carolina, as if beating Minnesota in a fluke game gave them some credibility. This was the same song as last year’s “upset” in Philly. Falcons fans live off moral victories, talk trash to Panthers fans like they’re punching down, then act shocked when their own team folds like a lawn chair when it matters most.
It’s a cycle of delusion that only fuels the misery. Put simply: if you’re still buying this team’s hype, that’s on you.
The Atlanta Falcons are a detriment to mental health and stability. It’s safer to walk in front of a MARTA track as a train is approaching than to digest Falcons football each Sunday.
(For legal purposes, this is a joke).
However, the following is far from it.
Falcons Offense: A $50 Million Joke
Only the Falcons could hand a quarterback $50 million a year while simultaneously drafting an injury-prone rookie who can’t see past his first read. It’s like building a Ferrari with bicycle brakes. Michael Penix Jr. was a system guy at Washington — credit Kalen DeBoer and Ryan Grubb for polishing him up. In Atlanta, he looks exactly like what skeptics feared: fragile and one-dimensional.
And then there’s Kyle Pitts. Will he ever live up to his contract? Or is he too busy doing yoga stretches during practice while cornerbacks run free past him on Sundays?
Falcons Theatrics: Smoke, Noise and Empty Calories
The game-day experience is just as embarrassing. The Benz blasts SoundCloud rap into oblivion, pumps fake crowd noise like it’s an SEC spring game, and trots out circus theatrics, including video game noises to mask the product on the field. It’s a billion-dollar carnival act — complete with a retractable roof that famously doesn’t even open. Congratulations, Atlanta. You built the NFL’s most expensive food court, which just so happens to host a Peach Bowl and an SEC Championship twice a year.
Football is religion in the South, but the Benz is far from a church. In fact, the incompetent fools up in Flowery Branch demolished a historic one to build their $2 billion toy.
Alas, the Atlanta fans know true gameday atmospheres are best found in Athens, Auburn, Tuscaloosa and Knoxville, not on Northside Drive.
This goes without mentioning the lack of tailgating around the stadium, unless you want to cough up $200 per game to have your tailgates silenced at kickoff. Oh, and you can’t even grill in the one lot within a mile of the stadium they let you put up a tent at.
This isn’t football, it’s a farce.
The model for success isn’t hard, but it starts with a strong look in the mirror. Unfortunately for Falcons fans, that day may never come.
Falcons Legacy: Hopeless by Design
Everywhere you look, the Falcons are a failure. They blow leads like it’s tradition. They sign bad quarterbacks like it’s policy. They chase gimmicks instead of grit. And their fans? Many are already halfway out the door, investing emotions into Georgia football and the Braves, because at least those teams win.
Heck, even the Ramblin’ Wreck went through an entire rebuild before the Falcons ever figured things out after 28-3.
The Falcons have turned hopelessness into an art form. Hot dog sales, Chick-fil-A stands (closed on Sundays, naturally), and roof gimmicks matter more than wins. It’s no wonder some fans half-jokingly suggest packing the franchise up and shipping it to St. Louis. At least then, Atlanta’s collective blood pressure might improve.
The Falcons Way
This team isn’t cursed. It’s just bad. Over and over, by design, by incompetence. Week 4 looms against Washington, where Marcus Mariota — the same quarterback Atlanta ran out of town — now looks poised to smoke them. And Atlanta will be paying over $60 million this year for the privilege of watching not one, but two quarterbacks lose.
God bless and goodnight. Put your energy into Saturdays. If the Falcons are your team on Sundays, you’re signing up for misery. That’s the Falcons way and until things drastically change for the better, it always will be.
A flaming disaster in Flowery Branch.
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